My first blog….here we go.
I’ve been back and forth on what to write about for days and today I decided the best first blog I can write is about my mom.
My mom, I can describe her in so many ways. Sweet, kind, caring, loving, strong, so so strong, the list can go on and on but the best way to describe her is the most amazing, God fearing woman you will ever meet.
My mom hasn’t been dealt the best cards over the years. Right after I got married (2015), she discovered she had breast cancer. She started that journey strong and determined. She knew she was going to beat it. She did everything she needed to do to beat it, and she did. She actually had her last radiation appt on the day Hunter was born(2016). She left her appointment and came straight to the hospital to wait for his arrival. That was a tough journey on her and did some damage both physically and emotionally, but once it was over she was ready for life. She knew she was given a second chance at life and took every advantage of it.
She hit some bumps throughout her remission that were caused by the cancer and her treatments, but she was still so fearless through it all and took on whatever was thrown her way.
Finally at her 5 year mark (the mark where you did it/you’re really cancer free) she found out it had come back. This time it was metastatic breast cancer. 2020 was a bad year but this was the cherry on top. She was informed by the doctors it was treatable but not curable. That’s a lot to take in. When she told me that, I felt sick. But even then she was so positive. She wasn’t scared, or she at least didn’t let me see that she was. She was so strong and was confident she was going to be one of the women that she followed in the Facebook groups that had been living with it for 20+ years. When I heard others stories from her, I felt a little more relieved. I mean, it wasn’t good news by any means but knowing how much time you really could have living with it made it a little easier to accept.
Fast forward a year, 2021. She was having a lot of pain, vision problems, deafness, pain in her neck, pain in her back, pain everywhere to the point any time she moved she felt like her head was literally going to explode. She kept going to the doctor, emergency room, more doctors, got many diagnoses of vertigo, bulged discs, but no matter what she was diagnosed with, the pain wasn’t going away and it was only getting worse. Finally, she had a spinal tap and they found what was wrong. The cancer had spread and was now in her spinal and brain fluid, also known as Leptomeningeal metastasis cancer.
She finally called me and my sister and had us both on the phone at the same time. She told us what the doctor said and where the cancer had spread and I just felt in my gut it was bad. She didn’t say how bad it was but she said something along the lines of (I pretty much was in shock and didn’t really listen so I may have left out some) “It’s okay, I’m okay and we know what it is now so now we can figure out how to beat it”. She also then threw in, “just don’t google it because it might freak you out and I don’t want you to do that”. Well what do you do when someone says that? There I went, immediately typed, “what is Leptomeningeal cancer?”, into Google search. Then I see the other search options below, “how long can someone live with Leptomeningeal cancer?”, “life expectancy of someone with Leptomeningeal cancer”, “is Leptomeningeal cancer treatable?”. All of these things popped up and my heart sank. I was just sitting there thinking “she was right, now I’m freaking out”. (Your mama is always right-she would want me to throw that in). I clicked all of those things and the first thing I see is numbers “3-6 months”. Okay, now I am about to throw up. How does something like this happen? She’s already had cancer once, beat it, then she got it again and was dealing with it but was given a good shot at it. Now this. Terminal cancer!
This is the moment I really struggled with. This is when you think, “what the heck God, why does she have to get this? Can’t that drug dealer or rapist or some other person who’s not a good person get this? Why is she being punished? Why am I being punished by having to lose my mom?”. All of those questions that later on you feel bad about because you lost your faith and realize how easy it was to blame God for something. I finally, after many hours and days of crying to the point where your just numb and no more tears will come out, got myself back together. My mom helped by basically being the most fearless person to live and by her talking so positively. She talked about what was going to happen and how she wasn’t scared. She explained how she hoped God was using her to help someone else who might not know Him and maybe to see how He is working through her and turn their life to Jesus. Now I feel terrible about all the things I said in my head and questioning God, when my own mom who actually is the one dealing with this life ending disease isn’t losing her mind and giving up her faith. If she can trust Him at a time like this, then I can. I can trust Him through anything life throws at me.
Her journey with this new diagnosis started with spinal taps, chemo, radiation, steroids, shots in her hip bone, all the things to help you live just a little bit longer. All the things you hope will keep her here until God decides to work one of His miracles that you’ve prayed every day, every night, every free moment that you can for. Just praying that maybe she will be that one that just wakes up with no pain, no cancer, and then you KNOW God had His hand in it. I’m still praying that prayer and really hoping He comes through, but as hard as it is to know what lies ahead, I know He is good. No matter what. All the time. He always will be.
If He chooses to use my mom as one of His miracles, I will be so unbelievably happy. If He doesn’t, and her time comes to an end on Earth and she makes her way to Heaven, I will still be okay. I will be very, very sad, but I will be okay because I know that she has touched so many lives. She has shown so many people who Jesus is and has been such a faithful servant to Him. She has turned people to Him already and I know, without a doubt, He is smiling down on her everyday seeing how beautiful of a soul she is and is walking the fearless walk He intended her to walk. She’s brave, she’s strong and the most God fearing, faithful woman you will ever meet. I hope she gets to stick around just so you can meet her if you haven’t met her yet! Her journey on Earth isn’t over yet but as I’m typing this she is in the hospital fighting hard for her life. She’s tired and she’s weak and things just don’t seem to be going the way they need to be to make her get better. She’s not giving up yet but really needs some help from her prayer warriors.
If you’re reading this, please stop what you’re doing right now and pray.
Pray for healing. Pray for a miracle. Pray for peace. Pray for pain to be taken away and for her to get to enjoy the life she’s been given for however long that might be.
I love you mama!
Edited by: Morgan Marynissen