Here I am, writing this blog in the preschool parking lot after just visiting your grave. I’ve run errands all day and had nothing else to do before picking up the kids and felt this need to go visit you today. So that’s what I did. Grieving is so weird. One day I’m okay and feel like I’ll be okay. I keep myself busy enough to not allow myself time to sit and think, because when I have time to think then all I think about is you. Of course I want to always think about you, but when I do it just brings tears. I keep wondering when the time will come and I won’t get upset and have to bite my cheek to keep from crying when your name gets brought up or someone talks to me about you. I don’t know if there will ever be a time that it won’t make me sad that you’re gone, but I’m hoping one day I can replace my tears with smiles just thinking about all the happy times I can remember with you.
Since you have been gone, it’s felt like a roller coaster of emotions that I’ve gone through. People told me that’s the way it would feel and they weren’t lying. One day I’m fine and the things I think will make me upset that remind me of you don’t and the most off the wall things have me bawling my eyes out.
For instance, I’ve found myself wanting to pick up the phone and call you to tell u about things a lot. I had to take Maddie to the doctor the other day and found out she has kidney reflux like I had when I was little and you knew she possibly did before you passed. When I found out for sure, I wanted to call you and tell you all about it. As soon as the doctor said, “well she has kidney reflux”, I immediately thought of you and how I can’t tell you about it. Little things like this that I didn’t think I’d get upset about are what I’m finding to be so hard to get through.
I know you’re here with us. It’s crazy that after I asked God to show me signs that you were with me, now I can’t quit seeing them. I see you in the yellow butterflies that fly by the window in the field every single day in the same spot, or the ones that pop up out of no where when I’m driving around thinking about you. I feel you when I’m shopping and your song, “Play That Funky Music”, comes on that you made your exit song at your funeral and I know that means you’re there. And when I’m going to Hunters baseball games and the song, “There Are No Scars in Heaven” comes on. That’s been a special song to me since you’ve passed, so the times it comes on I can feel you all around and it’s always when I need to hear from you the most. I see you in the feathers I keep finding all over my house that I have no idea where they keep coming from. In the bathroom, in the living room, the most random little feathers that pop up right after I vacuum and mean so much to me like they’ve fallen off an angels wings. But the most special time was when I was laying in my bed on the morning of your birthday and had been crying but quit before the kids woke up. Hunter came in and snuggled up and randomly told Maddie, “MiMi can still see us and play with us, see she’s right there” and pointed right beside of me. Woah, that was crazy and definitely made me do the most cautious slow turn to look where he was pointing because it seemed like he could see you plain as day sitting right there in the bed.
Those special things you do to show you’re near mean so much to me and I know you’re not far away, even though it doesn’t always seem like that some days. Thank you for leaving those signs and please don’t stop sending them my way. I love you forever.
Edited by: Morgan Marynissen