Behind The Smile

Hey there, it’s been a while I know since I’ve last posted one of my blogs. I guess you could say I’ve been going through the whole grieving process and honestly don’t know what to say anymore. I’ve wrote about ten blogs in the time frame since I last posted one but none of them I felt were something I should post. They’ve all sounded so depressing. Probably because up until the last few weeks I’d write them as I was usually crying myself to sleep every night. That is when my mind could actually think and the house was quiet and all the feelings started to hit me all at once when I had a second to be still. I’d wake up in the morning and would look back and decide that I shouldn’t share a lot of what I wrote in them because who wants to keep hearing about my mom dying again, or at least that’s what I thought. Who really cares now, they probably are like “here’s Katelyn, talking about her mom again like no one knows she died. Is she ever gonna get over it?”. Well after many deleted blogs I decided I don’t really care what anyone thinks if I post another blog about my mom and to do it for myself because this is how I get through all my feelings especially in a time such as the time I’m going through now. I’m sure many people wouldn’t say those things anyways but that’s what my mind was thinking every time I would reread them and then delete them.

Grief is such a sucky thing to go through. I wish there was a better word to sugar coat it but there’s not. It just sucks. One day your loved one is here and the next day they aren’t. The mind games I’ve went through over the last few months are quite literally the worst thing I’ve dealt with through the whole grieving process. I know my moms gone but for some crazy reason my brain still gets hope that she’s not really gone. Everyday is a new day and I think about her ALL day long. Which also means everyday I get reminded that she is gone. I think about the memories we’ve shared with her throughout the day and while they are happy it usually ends with sadness knowing there won’t be anymore shared with her in my lifetime. I can be having a great day and feel like things are starting to look up from here and then at the most random times be hit with sadness and it all comes creeping back in.

There were days where I wish I could have stayed in bed all day and do absolutely nothing, but that’s not really possible when you have kids to care for. The stage of depression I feel like comes in waves and I don’t consider myself a depressed person but the amount of sadness that weighs on you all at once can definitely make you feel like you are depressed. I’ve found that the best thing for me is to be on the move and busy. If I’m sitting still with nothing to do all those feelings come back and it takes me down again. I find myself playing back the final days in my head, the way she looked, what I said to her, what she said to me, wondering if there’s anything else I could’ve said while I still had the chance. The truth is I don’t think I ever will be happy with the last things I said to her because I never wanted anything to be “the last” thing I said to her. I think back to those final days wondering if she would’ve wanted me to see her like that. Would she have wanted me to remember her in a better way before she died. Those flashbacks get me everytime. I can’t quit thinking about the pain she went through over and over in my head. That’s the kind of thing I wonder about. My sisters last visit with her she has to remember her talking, alert, as healthy as she could be for her diagnosis and doesn’t have these horrible memories in her head. But then again I wonder if I would’ve regretted not being there and wishing I was up until the end. You just never know what the right thing to do is in a situation like that.

The strangest thing about grief is the things that you think will make you sad sometimes surprise you and actually don’t affect you at all. But then again some of the most random things like watching a tv show and you don’t know anything about these people where someone’s parent dies can tear me up more than anything. I get to the point that I can’t stop crying unless I turn the whole show off and try to think about anything else but my mom but it just is constantly on my mind.

I feel like the more months that go by actually make it harder because it makes it even more real that she’s not coming back. It’s not like she’s on a long vacation that she’ll be back from soon. It’s forever and my brain is starting to finally catch up with the thought of that. The first few months I think I was just numb from everything and emotionally drained. Basically like a zombie going through the motions of life but not really there. I feel like I actually had days where I was emotionless if that makes sense. Nothing made me smile but nothing made me cry either. I don’t know how to explain it and that’s why it’s so hard to explain the way grief happens. I also feel like it’s different for everyone so anyone going through it may be completely different from another person grieving.

I used to be so scared to talk to people who had lost someone recently in their life because I wouldn’t know what to say and I still don’t. Going through it myself I actually don’t even have any advice on the right thing to say because no one takes things the same. I don’t think there is a “right” thing to say,honestly. I used to not want anyone to actually come up and talk to me about it because I would turn into a mess of tears. People texting me was the best thing because I could express the way I felt without worrying about being a bucket of tears in the persons arms and not be able to make any clear words out of my mouth. It’s gotten a little easier to talk about her but some days just saying something about my mom like “my mom used to do this” makes me want to cry and then I wish I didn’t bring it up at all. Then I feel like if I do bring her up the people around me look at me, waiting to see if I’m going to be upset or okay and it’s just an awkward feeling.

The worst thing I’ve found myself coming back to is the thought that “I don’t have a mom anymore”. I do but not physically here with me. I can’t call her up to talk about the most random things my kids did or tell her how my doctors appointments went or get takes on things with my kids based off how I was when I was younger. I don’t think that thought will ever go away that I don’t have a mom anymore. I just can’t wrap my head around her actually being gone, forever. I don’t think that gets easier for anyone even if you were lucky to have months to prepare for it like we did. Whether it be 6 months ago or 16 years ago I just don’t see it ever fully going away. I’m fortunate to have many mom figures in my life to help try to fill her role and of course my dad. I’m grateful for having so many people who have stepped in to help me through this time. That’s helped a ton even if it’s just to say “your mom would be so proud” or has offered some motherly advice, has tried to help out even though I don’t like to ask for help when I need it or tried to give me cooking tips even though my mom wasn’t very good at cooking tips when she was here because that’s where I learned how to cook and if you know me, it hasn’t gotten me very far. Lol But with all that help and people stepping in trying to make this a little less difficult losing her I just don’t think it’ll ever be the same not having her here. I don’t think that I will ever be the same without her either. I also don’t want to forget about her and make it seem like it’s so easy to live without her because it’s not. She played a huge part in my life and it’s like I don’t know what to do now with that empty gap.

Grief is such a real thing and not an easy thing to explain or even understand until you go through it and maybe your reading this and are lucky to have not gone through the stages of grief yet. This is just an insight to what I’ve been going through the last few months of life since I have been pretty quiet on here lately on the blog. Maybe it’ll help someone going through the same stages right now too, know your not alone in it.