I’ve tried to put off this “Good Christian Girl” vibe, but that’s honestly not the complete truth of me as a person. Don’t get me wrong. Having that title and nothing but it would be really cool and great but it’s not the truth. The real me does want to be a “Good Christian Girl” but I have flaws. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days too. Here lately, it’s been a lot more of the bad than good kind of days and I’ve felt like dirt because of it.
I lay down at night and pray to God about how sorry I am for just being a (what I feel like) terrible person lately and how I hope He can help me be better tomorrow than I was today. I will wake up feeling great. Some days I wake up and will read a day from my devotional and be ready to start the day, feeling hopeful like this is gonna be a great one. Then other days I grab my phone and look at Facebook first and flood my brain with news that causes me fear and worry. Some days I get every word from a sermon and feel like a friend of mine said recently “got pinched by the Spirit Bug and am ready to run and tell everyone” and then other days I sit in church and think about what I’m gonna do later instead of really paying attention. Some days I have a fun filled day planned with my kids and think I’m being such a good mom because they tell me I am. Other days I scream and yell at them and send them to their rooms 15 Billion times and put them in front of the tv to go hide out in the bathroom because being around them with their attitudes makes me feel like I have no control over them and don’t know what I did wrong as a mom. Some days I share a Bible Verse or a Quote from a Christian author and feel every word of it to my core and think, “okay, these words were made for me to read right now and feel so much hope”. Other days I see someone post something on Facebook and try to debate with God like, “okay God you saw that, are you sure this isn’t a time where you can look past this and forgive me and let this slide so I can say whatever I want to. Surely you would think it’s okay if I just say this “one” little thing about it, right?!”.
See the thing is, walking a Christian Walk through life isn’t easy. It’s HARD. Like the hardest thing I’ve ever done, even more than being a mom kind of hard. One day you feel like you’ve got it all figured out and like nothing can stop you and then other days you get brought down just by one thing one person did and your brain is spiraling on if you say something or try your best to keep biting your tongue(mine feels like it’s bleeding some days). One day you feel like every single word you sing on Way FM is lighting your tail end on fire with the Word and then other days you struggle to even sing a word. One day every thing in life is perfect. You have a beautiful family and friends and amazing church and preacher you get so much spiritual knowledge from and then the next day you lose a parent and grief hits you and it feels like it tried to take a punch at every single body part you have until you almost can’t even get your self up in the morning. One day you feel hope for a brighter future and strength to start trying to get on with your life. Other days you get brought back down by a person from the past that you thought you had finally forgiven and had moved on from. Then those hateful feelings come back when they do something again and your right back where you were and try to think about what you can do to make them hurt the way you do right now. One day your mom is here and the next day she’s not. One day everyone grieved her with you and the next day they all moved on but you haven’t. One day everything can be in front of you and the next day everything can be gone.
My one day, today, has been a hard one. The devil keeps pushing and God keeps trying to keep me on the path I’m supposed to be on. It’s like a constant tug of war battle. One day you feel perfectly pieced together and other days you feel broken beyond repair. But that’s okay, because even though you don’t think God can handle you at your worst and only wants you at your best, your wrong. He’s ready to help you put your broken pieces back together and wants you to trust Him every step of the way. He loves you at your worst and at your best. He hears your laughs and your joy and He also hears you when you cry yourself to sleep. He’s ready to answer your questions when you feel like there are way too many to be answered. God Is Good, All The Time. He will never leave even when you feel like your too broken to come back to Him. You can try all you want to save yourself but the hard truth is, you never will. Only Jesus can. And He will.