The thing about faith is it doesn’t come easy. If it was easy everyone would have it. Faith takes work. It is work to gain faith and to also keep faith. Life in general doesn’t make keeping your faith any easier. All the ups and downs life throws at you makes it very easy to throw in the towel and give up.
My faith has felt like a roller coaster ride through out my entire life. Specifically speaking though, during the last couple of years with my Mom. I feel like when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer it was actually the time I was closest to God. My relationship with God grew stronger than it has ever been. Although I knew my mom was dying and I was extremely sad, I still had the most peace I’ve ever had about a situation. I felt peace knowing where she would be going when she passed and peace knowing she would be made new again.
After she died, my faith was tested immediately. It honestly has been tested everyday since like never before and it’s like I’m at a war everyday battling all of my emotions, not only with grief of losing my mom, but also feelings of anger, hatred, disgust, pity. The list goes on, but it’s nothing but more terrible adjectives towards someone. I just keep thinking, “Okay God, I’m really trying here. But you’ve got a lot thrown on my plate now and I’d love for you to take some of it off for me before I start to spiral”. Some days I dig myself out and manage to remember God is in control. Although it is very hard to remember in times when all of that anger hits me and I want to act in a way a Christian is not supposed to just out of impulse that any person with emotions would do. I have to fight hard for my faith and remember, “What Would Jesus Do?!” (I really should have just gotten W.W.J.D. tattooed on my wrist when I was 18 instead of something on my ribs because I need that as a permanent bracelet on me to remember every second of every day).
Sorry, getting back on track again.
Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. It was supposed to be like the light at the end of an awfully dark tunnel of a year. My sister and I were supposed to finally be able to go into our moms house after more than a year and list her home for sale. I couldn’t sleep the night before because I was thinking about everything fixing to happen. Knowing I’d probably be upset walking into the house again after so long and she not be in it. Sad to be soon closing a chapter in a place where she, for a short period of time after we moved, raised us before we were off to college and getting married. Knowing I’d be hit with her “smells like moms house smell” when I walked into the door (you know that distinct smell everyone has that just smells like them). And also hopeful to be closing the door on a relationship we’ve been waiting so long to end. It was just a lot of emotions and thoughts going through my brain, but also had this gut feeling of what ifs. What if things don’t go as planned like their supposed to.
Turns out my gut was right. The current occupant had other plans and thought they were above what the judge ordered. Why can’t things just be easy, for once? When we thought we might finally be able to break ties that we’ve been waiting a whole year to do and finally be able to grieve like we’re supposed to we are still caught up in this exhausting situation.
Yesterday was one of those days where my faith was really being tested. It feels like I’ve had the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other. I’ve drove by her house about 10 times. Each time struggling with just wanting to pull in and letting all my built up emotions out. Then try to remind myself to let it go and let things work out the way God wants them to. My husband sent me a picture of my coffee mug that says “Let Go & Let God” around the same time I was passing back and forth because he knew I was struggling. I have to be the better person. I know my mom would want me to be the bigger person and would be so disappointed that we’re even having to deal with all of this after she’s gone.
I have to tell you, the stress and acne I’ve given myself just in a day is unreal. I even woke up with a stye in my eye that seems to be getting bigger as the day goes on. I need a 90 minute massage, a bottle of acne cream and an eye patch.
I have to say though, after all I’ve been thrown this year on top of just grief of losing my mom, which is enough in itself, I know that if I’m still managing to trust God even in the absolute hardest of times, my faith has to be strong. Even if I have to try extremely hard sometimes to remind myself what the best thing to do is. I don’t want anyone to think having strong faith is easy though. It’s a job in itself and to know at the end of my life this full time job of trying to keep my faith in God will pay off when I make it to Heaven one day makes it all worth it. It’s just sometimes hard to take a step back and remember that in the moment of trial. Good things take time to get perfect, with a lot of trial and error. Once you’ve gotten something almost perfected, you also have to keep up the work or else you will fall right back to where you started. That’s with anything in life. A new recipe, a sport, a hobby. You have to constantly keep practicing to make it great and be good at it. Faith is no different.
The devil works hard but good news is, Jesus works harder.
Revenge may feel nice at the moment when things don’t seem to be going the way you would like but making it to Heaven one day will feel so much better!
“Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. With every step you take, think about what he wants, and he will help you go the right way.”